Column for the New York Times Magazine
My children think they can hide their candy consumption from me. But they fail to recognize my tactical advantage: They mistake me for an ignorant grown-up, when I’m actually an eternal preteen. My relationship to sweets has hardly changed since I was their age. Yes, I might eat candy less often now. But once I start, a precise choreography ensues.
![](https://www.christophniemann.com/media/2019/03/01lamp.gif)
The first Gummi bear is the best. After a few chews, the sweetness and acidity hit the tongue, then shoot into the nervous system.
![](https://www.christophniemann.com/media/2019/03/02threed.gif)
The second one reaches the head and heart, and the third spreads through the entire body. Now would technically be the perfect time to stop.
![](https://www.christophniemann.com/media/2019/03/03pianoaps.gif)
Oh, the spectrum of colors. I create heavenly chords and progressions.
![](https://www.christophniemann.com/media/2019/03/04rainbow5.gif)
I eat and eat; the sugar flows; the bag is still assuringly heavy in my hand.
![](https://www.christophniemann.com/media/2019/03/05buspsa.gif)
Around the 25 percent mark, I observe that the serving size has drastically increased from one bear to whole handfuls.
![](https://www.christophniemann.com/media/2019/03/06bounce0001.gif)
The sugar high dissolves into a blunt dullness, like Styrofoam slowly expanding in the space between my skin and bones.
![](https://www.christophniemann.com/media/2019/03/07crc1psa2.gif)
I hate Gummi bears.
![](https://www.christophniemann.com/media/2019/03/08crc2.gif)
There is only one way to make the anguish stop: I must finish the entire pack swiftly and ruthlessly.
![](https://www.christophniemann.com/media/2019/03/09yellowkick.gif)
I plow through the remainder of the pack in a daze. Only the acidity of the yellow bears can deliver a barely noticeable kick.
![](https://www.christophniemann.com/media/2019/03/10zombiepsa.gif)
I am turning into a Gummi bear — a terrible state that’s topped only by the terror of realizing . . .
![](https://www.christophniemann.com/media/2019/03/11clockc.gif)
. . . that all of a sudden, the pack is empty.
![](https://www.christophniemann.com/media/2019/03/12boatpsa_03.gif)
Oh, no!
![](https://www.christophniemann.com/media/2019/03/13bagpsa.gif)
But wait. The bag seems just a tiny bit too heavy.
![](https://www.christophniemann.com/media/2019/03/14nibble.gif)
One last straggler is hunted down. I’m so delighted that I even
resort to nibbling.
The End.